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Today I had my annual eye exam.
I only started going to this place last year. I had to go back 3-4 times, because I got glasses and I also tried lots of different contact lenses. I felt like I was a "problem patient" (because I got Covid in the middle of it and couldn't come back for awhile, because I tried so many different contact lens prescriptions and had a hard time narrowing it down, and because they kept trying to reach me on the phone and I just felt really really averse to phone conversations last summer.) I was actually a little afraid that they wouldn't let me come back this year.
But they didn't try to stop my appointment and when I went in today, the receptionist remembered me and was clearly very happy to see me. I was actually kind of surprised that she remembered me at all.
Then, when I had my eye exam, the doctor actually mentioned to me that the staff were happy and excited when they saw that I was on the schedule. Whoa!
Of course, this made me feel really good. But it also made me reflect on how people in my (immediate) family and in OTO have tried to convince me, and others, that I was not liked, not even likeable. That I was universally disliked. When I spoke up against abuse, I was "too harsh." When I stood up for myself or set boundaries or told the truth, I was always the one in the wrong, according to them. Near the end of my time in OTO, I was told that I wasn't eligible to be a LBM because I wasn't a good or respectful communicator. R told me that I "alienate people" and cause conflict. Michael Miller told people that I "caused division" in the local body. An EC officer spread lies and rumors about me, while being perfectly lovely to my face. (She was the one who made up the story about how every single member of the EC disliked me personally, when in fact I had never interacted with most of those people, and another EC member told me that her story was completely untrue.)
Lately I have listened to a few videos from a guy who recently left OTO, apparently for the same reasons I did. And the phrases he says were used about him, were the same phrases people used about me to explain why I was the problem: they said my tone was wrong, that I just didn't know how to talk to people, that I was causing drama (in fact, a friend I much admired cut me off because someone else told her I was causing drama.) And that is another thing that feels really validating: they use the same phrases about everyone. It was never about me.
Because to be honest, what happened today, happens to me all the time. I am generally liked and well-regarded everywhere I go, except for my immediate family (my cousins and extended family love me) and in OTO. The people who want to abuse me with impunity are the ones who have a problem when I won't allow that.
I only started going to this place last year. I had to go back 3-4 times, because I got glasses and I also tried lots of different contact lenses. I felt like I was a "problem patient" (because I got Covid in the middle of it and couldn't come back for awhile, because I tried so many different contact lens prescriptions and had a hard time narrowing it down, and because they kept trying to reach me on the phone and I just felt really really averse to phone conversations last summer.) I was actually a little afraid that they wouldn't let me come back this year.
But they didn't try to stop my appointment and when I went in today, the receptionist remembered me and was clearly very happy to see me. I was actually kind of surprised that she remembered me at all.
Then, when I had my eye exam, the doctor actually mentioned to me that the staff were happy and excited when they saw that I was on the schedule. Whoa!
Of course, this made me feel really good. But it also made me reflect on how people in my (immediate) family and in OTO have tried to convince me, and others, that I was not liked, not even likeable. That I was universally disliked. When I spoke up against abuse, I was "too harsh." When I stood up for myself or set boundaries or told the truth, I was always the one in the wrong, according to them. Near the end of my time in OTO, I was told that I wasn't eligible to be a LBM because I wasn't a good or respectful communicator. R told me that I "alienate people" and cause conflict. Michael Miller told people that I "caused division" in the local body. An EC officer spread lies and rumors about me, while being perfectly lovely to my face. (She was the one who made up the story about how every single member of the EC disliked me personally, when in fact I had never interacted with most of those people, and another EC member told me that her story was completely untrue.)
Lately I have listened to a few videos from a guy who recently left OTO, apparently for the same reasons I did. And the phrases he says were used about him, were the same phrases people used about me to explain why I was the problem: they said my tone was wrong, that I just didn't know how to talk to people, that I was causing drama (in fact, a friend I much admired cut me off because someone else told her I was causing drama.) And that is another thing that feels really validating: they use the same phrases about everyone. It was never about me.
Because to be honest, what happened today, happens to me all the time. I am generally liked and well-regarded everywhere I go, except for my immediate family (my cousins and extended family love me) and in OTO. The people who want to abuse me with impunity are the ones who have a problem when I won't allow that.