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"We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation—just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer—we are challenged to change ourselves. " -- Victor Frankl
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George Wallace Briggs wrote this Christian prayer:
"O Father of lights, with Whom there is no variation nor shadow of turning, Who Abidest steadfast as the stars of heaven: give us grace to rest upon Thy eternal changelessness, and in Thy faithfulness find peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord."
And I reworked it into this prayer to the Star Goddess: "O Mother of Light, within Whom exists every variation, Who abides, steadfast, as the stars of heaven: give us grace to rest within Thine eternal changing, and in Thy movements, find Peace."
"O Father of lights, with Whom there is no variation nor shadow of turning, Who Abidest steadfast as the stars of heaven: give us grace to rest upon Thy eternal changelessness, and in Thy faithfulness find peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord."
And I reworked it into this prayer to the Star Goddess: "O Mother of Light, within Whom exists every variation, Who abides, steadfast, as the stars of heaven: give us grace to rest within Thine eternal changing, and in Thy movements, find Peace."
Today I had my annual eye exam.
I only started going to this place last year. I had to go back 3-4 times, because I got glasses and I also tried lots of different contact lenses. I felt like I was a "problem patient" (because I got Covid in the middle of it and couldn't come back for awhile, because I tried so many different contact lens prescriptions and had a hard time narrowing it down, and because they kept trying to reach me on the phone and I just felt really really averse to phone conversations last summer.) I was actually a little afraid that they wouldn't let me come back this year.
But they didn't try to stop my appointment and when I went in today, the receptionist remembered me and was clearly very happy to see me. I was actually kind of surprised that she remembered me at all.
Then, when I had my eye exam, the doctor actually mentioned to me that the staff were happy and excited when they saw that I was on the schedule. Whoa!
Of course, this made me feel really good. But it also made me reflect on how people in my (immediate) family and in OTO have tried to convince me, and others, that I was not liked, not even likeable. That I was universally disliked. When I spoke up against abuse, I was "too harsh." When I stood up for myself or set boundaries or told the truth, I was always the one in the wrong, according to them. Near the end of my time in OTO, I was told that I wasn't eligible to be a LBM because I wasn't a good or respectful communicator. R told me that I "alienate people" and cause conflict. Michael Miller told people that I "caused division" in the local body. An EC officer spread lies and rumors about me, while being perfectly lovely to my face. (She was the one who made up the story about how every single member of the EC disliked me personally, when in fact I had never interacted with most of those people, and another EC member told me that her story was completely untrue.)
Lately I have listened to a few videos from a guy who recently left OTO, apparently for the same reasons I did. And the phrases he says were used about him, were the same phrases people used about me to explain why I was the problem: they said my tone was wrong, that I just didn't know how to talk to people, that I was causing drama (in fact, a friend I much admired cut me off because someone else told her I was causing drama.) And that is another thing that feels really validating: they use the same phrases about everyone. It was never about me.
Because to be honest, what happened today, happens to me all the time. I am generally liked and well-regarded everywhere I go, except for my immediate family (my cousins and extended family love me) and in OTO. The people who want to abuse me with impunity are the ones who have a problem when I won't allow that.
I only started going to this place last year. I had to go back 3-4 times, because I got glasses and I also tried lots of different contact lenses. I felt like I was a "problem patient" (because I got Covid in the middle of it and couldn't come back for awhile, because I tried so many different contact lens prescriptions and had a hard time narrowing it down, and because they kept trying to reach me on the phone and I just felt really really averse to phone conversations last summer.) I was actually a little afraid that they wouldn't let me come back this year.
But they didn't try to stop my appointment and when I went in today, the receptionist remembered me and was clearly very happy to see me. I was actually kind of surprised that she remembered me at all.
Then, when I had my eye exam, the doctor actually mentioned to me that the staff were happy and excited when they saw that I was on the schedule. Whoa!
Of course, this made me feel really good. But it also made me reflect on how people in my (immediate) family and in OTO have tried to convince me, and others, that I was not liked, not even likeable. That I was universally disliked. When I spoke up against abuse, I was "too harsh." When I stood up for myself or set boundaries or told the truth, I was always the one in the wrong, according to them. Near the end of my time in OTO, I was told that I wasn't eligible to be a LBM because I wasn't a good or respectful communicator. R told me that I "alienate people" and cause conflict. Michael Miller told people that I "caused division" in the local body. An EC officer spread lies and rumors about me, while being perfectly lovely to my face. (She was the one who made up the story about how every single member of the EC disliked me personally, when in fact I had never interacted with most of those people, and another EC member told me that her story was completely untrue.)
Lately I have listened to a few videos from a guy who recently left OTO, apparently for the same reasons I did. And the phrases he says were used about him, were the same phrases people used about me to explain why I was the problem: they said my tone was wrong, that I just didn't know how to talk to people, that I was causing drama (in fact, a friend I much admired cut me off because someone else told her I was causing drama.) And that is another thing that feels really validating: they use the same phrases about everyone. It was never about me.
Because to be honest, what happened today, happens to me all the time. I am generally liked and well-regarded everywhere I go, except for my immediate family (my cousins and extended family love me) and in OTO. The people who want to abuse me with impunity are the ones who have a problem when I won't allow that.
It has been very rainy (stormy, even, lots of thunderstorms) this month and I have noticed an unexpected (to me) effect of losing our mulberry tree last year: the yard is a muddy mess. I guess that when it used to rain like this the tree would soak up a lot of that water. Now without the tree the yard is much more wet and muddy.
Of course, it has totally changed the character of the yard in other ways. I loved our shady, forest-y yard we had before. Now it's neither of those.
Of course, it has totally changed the character of the yard in other ways. I loved our shady, forest-y yard we had before. Now it's neither of those.
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Last weekend I made a butter frosting for the first time in a long, long time. I think it was my first time making a chocolate one with Sweetex, even.
So I was not prepared for how much sugar the Sweetex will soak up. I
kept adding sugar, and then I had to add more milk and in the end the frosting was WAY overworked. It had so much air in it, it was very shaggy and not at all smooth. At that point it was late and I was tired so I just put it in the freezer.
On Saturday I got it out and fixed it.
First, I had to get the extra air out. This was a quart of frosting. so what I did was this: on a silicone pastry mat, working with a small amount of frosting at a time, I used a bench scraper to spread the frosting out flat on the mat. This was time-consuming because the frosting was pretty stiff. I had to spread it very thinly to essentially press all the bubbles out. Once the frosting was spread very thinly, and all the bubbles were gone, I would scrape it all up and put it in a bowl, and then start over with another small amount of frosting.
Once that was all done, the frosting was still quite stiff and too-dry. So the next step was to restore it: I took a small amount of it and microwaved that until it was liquid. In the large bowl of my stand mixer, I combined the warmed, liquid frosting, the rest of the frosting, and splashed in some milk. I mixed that on a very low speed (no need to beat it or incorporate more air) until it was all smooth and creamy.
Then I frosted a cake with it. Y'all, this was like a bakery frosting. It is so, so creamy. Yet when allowed to set it gets a nice little crust on the outside that shatters when you bite into it. Basically the very best frosting. I put the leftovers in the freezer.
So I was not prepared for how much sugar the Sweetex will soak up. I
kept adding sugar, and then I had to add more milk and in the end the frosting was WAY overworked. It had so much air in it, it was very shaggy and not at all smooth. At that point it was late and I was tired so I just put it in the freezer.
On Saturday I got it out and fixed it.
First, I had to get the extra air out. This was a quart of frosting. so what I did was this: on a silicone pastry mat, working with a small amount of frosting at a time, I used a bench scraper to spread the frosting out flat on the mat. This was time-consuming because the frosting was pretty stiff. I had to spread it very thinly to essentially press all the bubbles out. Once the frosting was spread very thinly, and all the bubbles were gone, I would scrape it all up and put it in a bowl, and then start over with another small amount of frosting.
Once that was all done, the frosting was still quite stiff and too-dry. So the next step was to restore it: I took a small amount of it and microwaved that until it was liquid. In the large bowl of my stand mixer, I combined the warmed, liquid frosting, the rest of the frosting, and splashed in some milk. I mixed that on a very low speed (no need to beat it or incorporate more air) until it was all smooth and creamy.
Then I frosted a cake with it. Y'all, this was like a bakery frosting. It is so, so creamy. Yet when allowed to set it gets a nice little crust on the outside that shatters when you bite into it. Basically the very best frosting. I put the leftovers in the freezer.
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In my meditation tonight I was in deep communion with the Earth and this came through: we don't live on the Earth. We really live IN the Earth. Because the atmosphere and even near space, including the Moon, are all a part of the body of the Earth. The Earth is not just the hard mineral surface of the planet. It's all the earth.
And we live IN the Earth. Deep inside Her. Burrowed under her skin. We live inside her body and are thereby nourished and protected. She filters dangerous radiation, allowing only some of it in, to nurture life in her body.
We live in the Earth.
And we live IN the Earth. Deep inside Her. Burrowed under her skin. We live inside her body and are thereby nourished and protected. She filters dangerous radiation, allowing only some of it in, to nurture life in her body.
We live in the Earth.
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It's in the 70s outside and we just had a hailstorm.
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B reminded me tonight of how Serena used to "huff" when she was mildly annoyed. She would exhale loudly and forcefully through her nose, making an audible "huff" sound. I hadn't thought about that in forever. I called her "Huffy-cat" when she "got huffy."
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Revolution does not end when we dismantle old systems. We have to be ready to build new systems, better systems, to completely replace the old. If we aren't ready, if we don't have a plan and a set of guiding principles, we will just recreate the old systems with new names.
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I am really surprised to NOT find this quote here already. I could have sworn that I posted it a few years ago. I posted a different version it on FB in 2023. It's from David Foster Wallace
"Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship—be it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles—is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive.
If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you.”
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"When you start out by cultivating your tolerance for ambiguity and paradox, you are loosening the strings on your mind, giving yourself permission to feel without judging, to trust your sensations and emotions rather than your busy brain. You are practicing believing in what you feel at the moment, not reflecting the past or fretting about the future. You are practicing for ecstasy."
From Radical Ecstasy by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton.
I love this quote, it articulates some of how I approach magick and religion. Loosen the strings. It's part of why I prefer ideas to beliefs.
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HOLY SHIT today I learned that there is a name for the kind of memory I have, and no wonder people are always so skeptical: only 62 ppl in the world have ever been identified with this. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperthymesia
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To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. Heidi Priebe
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1: Be a genius.
2: Participate in the sublime.
3: Let the gods speak through you.
4: Write that shit down.
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I repotted the second plumeria today. It wasn't as muddy as the other one and still had lots of small roots alive. It was still pretty muddy especially toward the center of the rootball. So I had to wrestle a lot of LECA out of the roots. It was a little too wet to screen the soil so I just put it in a pot and will deal with it later.
So both plumerias are repotted and pruned. It seems that no one wants to trade cuttings with me, so I am going to send one to my friend Leigh and give the rest to whomever wants them.
Also potted up the peperomia cuttings and begonia cutting. The peperomia has been growing in water for like 2 years in the living room, and the begonia has been there since winter. I think I will keep those on the patio for now. When the begonia is bigger and established I will move it out into the yard, in the ground. When the weather gets cold the peperomia can come indoors.
What needs repotting:
sage (maybe repot, maybe put it in the ground?)
Figgy Smalls.
So both plumerias are repotted and pruned. It seems that no one wants to trade cuttings with me, so I am going to send one to my friend Leigh and give the rest to whomever wants them.
Also potted up the peperomia cuttings and begonia cutting. The peperomia has been growing in water for like 2 years in the living room, and the begonia has been there since winter. I think I will keep those on the patio for now. When the begonia is bigger and established I will move it out into the yard, in the ground. When the weather gets cold the peperomia can come indoors.
What needs repotting:
sage (maybe repot, maybe put it in the ground?)
Figgy Smalls.
Some things I've done in the garden this month:
I've been reconditioning old potting soil. I had to sift it anyway to get out the LECA that I used in my pots (mixed with soil) in 2019. So I sifted the soil into a barrel (the one B used for the electrolysis years ago) and added perlite, then added the last of my ladybug granular fertilizer. I mixed that all up and used it to pot up the mint and rue we planted this year (on Holy Saturday we put in our herb garden, but we put the rest in the ground.) Oh and I used it to pot the celery we got last week, along with some rabbit manure mixed in.
I was out of fertilizer then, so I bought a big bag of microlife 6-2-4. I sifted more soil, and mixed in some perlite and microlife and, since i was cleaning the rabbit litter box, some rabbit poo. I used that to repot my tree morning glory, Ive been asking B for months to dig a hole so I could put it in the ground and he hasn't, and it was dying. I ended up having to cut the roots to get it out of its pot as it had grown through the bottom and made a big knot. So I put thjat in a big pot, and I also repotted one of the plumerias.
Unpotting that plumeria and sifting the LECA was a mad bitch. I knew something was wrong but I did not expect that inside the pot I would find just mud and LECA. It was sticky and gross. There were no fine roots alive, and the larger roots were live but easy to tear. I think it was on the verge of root rot. Once I got almost all of the LECA off the root ball was much smaller than expected. Thank goodness I decided to repot this year.
Why I knew something was wrong: it's April and the plumerias haven't grown new leaves. I thought the soil was depleted of nutrients, not broken down to mud. I decided to prune them this year to keep them shorter and get thicker trunks. So I pruned last week. Pruning them made them more manageable for repotting too. I will repot the second plumeria later this week after I mix up more soil.
I couldn't find leaf celery anywhere in town so I ordered some from Etsy. Worth it! I bought 4 plants, one of them isn't doing well so I might order 5 more, to replace it and have another big pot of it. We love that stuff and we can always feed any extra herbs to BUNDOR.
I need to repot some other things. Right before the freeze my sole remaining begonia had diminished to one single live stem, so I just pulled it and brought it inside to root in some water. It's ready to pot now. Also need to pot some cuttings from my peperomia that survived BUNDOR, and it's probably time to repot Figgy Smalls. I should probably repot my dwarf jade and my aloe, come to think of it. And I definitely need to repot my sage or even better, put it in the ground.
It's nice to sift soil and get dirty and plant things. I really like being able to reuse old potting soil, maybe it's silly because potting soil is cheap, but I hate just dumping it out. Adding some perlite and fertilizer seems the way to go, to me at least.
I am trying rosemary again this year, I've put it in a clay pot, with some soil but mostly LECA, and it's on the patio so it can't get drowned in rain. So far it's growing apace. I am a killer of rosemary but I had a good run in 2019 when I planted it in mostly bark, but it got rained on. Maybe this will be my year!
The grass I seeded last year is hanging in there but many weeds are kind of blocking it. I think I might hire someone to come rip them all out and then I will throw down more seed.
Plumerias seem to thrive on neglect (at least mine do) but they still need a little tlc now and then.
I've been reconditioning old potting soil. I had to sift it anyway to get out the LECA that I used in my pots (mixed with soil) in 2019. So I sifted the soil into a barrel (the one B used for the electrolysis years ago) and added perlite, then added the last of my ladybug granular fertilizer. I mixed that all up and used it to pot up the mint and rue we planted this year (on Holy Saturday we put in our herb garden, but we put the rest in the ground.) Oh and I used it to pot the celery we got last week, along with some rabbit manure mixed in.
I was out of fertilizer then, so I bought a big bag of microlife 6-2-4. I sifted more soil, and mixed in some perlite and microlife and, since i was cleaning the rabbit litter box, some rabbit poo. I used that to repot my tree morning glory, Ive been asking B for months to dig a hole so I could put it in the ground and he hasn't, and it was dying. I ended up having to cut the roots to get it out of its pot as it had grown through the bottom and made a big knot. So I put thjat in a big pot, and I also repotted one of the plumerias.
Unpotting that plumeria and sifting the LECA was a mad bitch. I knew something was wrong but I did not expect that inside the pot I would find just mud and LECA. It was sticky and gross. There were no fine roots alive, and the larger roots were live but easy to tear. I think it was on the verge of root rot. Once I got almost all of the LECA off the root ball was much smaller than expected. Thank goodness I decided to repot this year.
Why I knew something was wrong: it's April and the plumerias haven't grown new leaves. I thought the soil was depleted of nutrients, not broken down to mud. I decided to prune them this year to keep them shorter and get thicker trunks. So I pruned last week. Pruning them made them more manageable for repotting too. I will repot the second plumeria later this week after I mix up more soil.
I couldn't find leaf celery anywhere in town so I ordered some from Etsy. Worth it! I bought 4 plants, one of them isn't doing well so I might order 5 more, to replace it and have another big pot of it. We love that stuff and we can always feed any extra herbs to BUNDOR.
I need to repot some other things. Right before the freeze my sole remaining begonia had diminished to one single live stem, so I just pulled it and brought it inside to root in some water. It's ready to pot now. Also need to pot some cuttings from my peperomia that survived BUNDOR, and it's probably time to repot Figgy Smalls. I should probably repot my dwarf jade and my aloe, come to think of it. And I definitely need to repot my sage or even better, put it in the ground.
It's nice to sift soil and get dirty and plant things. I really like being able to reuse old potting soil, maybe it's silly because potting soil is cheap, but I hate just dumping it out. Adding some perlite and fertilizer seems the way to go, to me at least.
I am trying rosemary again this year, I've put it in a clay pot, with some soil but mostly LECA, and it's on the patio so it can't get drowned in rain. So far it's growing apace. I am a killer of rosemary but I had a good run in 2019 when I planted it in mostly bark, but it got rained on. Maybe this will be my year!
The grass I seeded last year is hanging in there but many weeds are kind of blocking it. I think I might hire someone to come rip them all out and then I will throw down more seed.
Plumerias seem to thrive on neglect (at least mine do) but they still need a little tlc now and then.
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Just now I started to explain myself to someone and I had it all typed out and then I stopped and deleted it and left only the first paragraph thanking her for messaging me. And that was it.
This is such a small thing but explaining myself is a trauma response. I didn't even realize it until a few years ago when someone mentioned it on the internet and my mind was blown. We explain ourselves because we want to be heard, and we have been dismissed and invalidated. We explain ourselves because we want to be safe, and we think that if we explain, the abuser won't hurt us anymore. It is a habit we learn in childhood and it doesn't actually work. It never does.
I don't have to explain why I have chosen to withdraw from engagement in a FB group. I can say "Thank you, I am sure you are all doing your best," and leave it at that and honestly it feels so good. It feels like a weight lifted. Explaining is continuing to engage. They won't like my explanation because even if I don't say it that way, it points out their cognitive dissonance. I don't have to. I am free.
This is such a small thing but explaining myself is a trauma response. I didn't even realize it until a few years ago when someone mentioned it on the internet and my mind was blown. We explain ourselves because we want to be heard, and we have been dismissed and invalidated. We explain ourselves because we want to be safe, and we think that if we explain, the abuser won't hurt us anymore. It is a habit we learn in childhood and it doesn't actually work. It never does.
I don't have to explain why I have chosen to withdraw from engagement in a FB group. I can say "Thank you, I am sure you are all doing your best," and leave it at that and honestly it feels so good. It feels like a weight lifted. Explaining is continuing to engage. They won't like my explanation because even if I don't say it that way, it points out their cognitive dissonance. I don't have to. I am free.
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"Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."- The Iliad
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"Few young people really appreciate that by being open about who you really are, you end up wasting much less time on relationships that are doomed from the start. In the long run, it's much more efficient to fess up about who you are and what you're really into from the get-go."- Christopher Ryan
This is, of course, practical advice. I quoted this in my journal years ago because it makes sense to me, it is a policy I have had for a long while.
What I think a lot of people don't see is that this is a way of loving yourself. Giving yourself the gift of self-acceptance and authentic relationships. I would rather be up front about who I am and let the chips fall where they may, than pretend to be someone I am not, in order to be loved. Because the love you receive that way is a false love. If someone loves the person you are pretending to be, they don't really love YOU. I don't want to spend my life afraid that someone will stop loving me if they know my true self.
𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩. 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧. 𝐋𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭, 𝐝𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬.
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