![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Over the last couple of years, I have developed an unofficial, almost subconscious policy of not pursuing friendships with people when I don't like their partners. I didn't realize I had this policy until a new person (BL) showed up at S&B and brought her husband with her. He was extremely unpleasant, obnoxious even. And I knew then that I just don't want to ever again be in a position where a friend's spouse is horrible to me, or even just extremely unpleasant to be around, and I tolerate it because I love my friend. I don't ever again want to volunteer to interact with shitty or abusive people.
BL has shown up a handful of times over the last several months, fortunately without him, and she always seems nice. But because he's unpleasant, I haven't made any effort to get to know her. I exchange pleasantries, but we haven't conversed very much. She is usually at the other end of the table. At some point recently, I learned that she has cancer and is in chemotherapy.
Last week we were alone for awhile. A friend showed up briefly to give me a birthday present and mentioned my party (which I wish she hadn't!), and then BL started seriously angling for an invitation to the party. And fuck me, I could not bring myself to say no to the nice old lady with probably-fatal cancer. On the inside I was saying "Oh godammit!" and on the outside I smiled and invited her. I was planning to forget to call her, but her chemo makes her really forgetful, and by the time she left a few hours later she had forgotten all about the party and said "See you next month!" I breathed a big sigh of relief.
Between the time I invited her, and the time she got up to leave, she told me over and over about her cancer and her chemo and etc. Like, the same details about her treatment and her pain, repeated. I had a hunch she was repeating herself because I didn't express "enough" sympathy the first times she said it, and it turned out I was right: when I responded MORE sympathetically to each complaint, she stopped repeating it (but then she said "Also my cat is dying," and told me about that at length.) And I felt slightly resentful. I barely know her. She obviously needs support, but I am not able or willing to be her support. If she was my friend I would do all I could to be there for her, but she isn't my friend, and I am not willing to step in and become her friend so she can have a support system. There are support groups for cancer patients, there are therapists. I don't feel remotely guilty or troubled by this attitude on my part, but what is weird is that I feel almost as though I should feel guilty. And I don't think I am able to say "BL, I like you but I don't know you well and I am not able to be your cancer support system." It just seems so shockingly cruel.
So, I don't know how I am going to walk this line in the future. I just know that this boundary is important to me.
BL has shown up a handful of times over the last several months, fortunately without him, and she always seems nice. But because he's unpleasant, I haven't made any effort to get to know her. I exchange pleasantries, but we haven't conversed very much. She is usually at the other end of the table. At some point recently, I learned that she has cancer and is in chemotherapy.
Last week we were alone for awhile. A friend showed up briefly to give me a birthday present and mentioned my party (which I wish she hadn't!), and then BL started seriously angling for an invitation to the party. And fuck me, I could not bring myself to say no to the nice old lady with probably-fatal cancer. On the inside I was saying "Oh godammit!" and on the outside I smiled and invited her. I was planning to forget to call her, but her chemo makes her really forgetful, and by the time she left a few hours later she had forgotten all about the party and said "See you next month!" I breathed a big sigh of relief.
Between the time I invited her, and the time she got up to leave, she told me over and over about her cancer and her chemo and etc. Like, the same details about her treatment and her pain, repeated. I had a hunch she was repeating herself because I didn't express "enough" sympathy the first times she said it, and it turned out I was right: when I responded MORE sympathetically to each complaint, she stopped repeating it (but then she said "Also my cat is dying," and told me about that at length.) And I felt slightly resentful. I barely know her. She obviously needs support, but I am not able or willing to be her support. If she was my friend I would do all I could to be there for her, but she isn't my friend, and I am not willing to step in and become her friend so she can have a support system. There are support groups for cancer patients, there are therapists. I don't feel remotely guilty or troubled by this attitude on my part, but what is weird is that I feel almost as though I should feel guilty. And I don't think I am able to say "BL, I like you but I don't know you well and I am not able to be your cancer support system." It just seems so shockingly cruel.
So, I don't know how I am going to walk this line in the future. I just know that this boundary is important to me.
Tags: