This came to me tonight when I again revisited this topic in my mind, one that has been percolating for awhile.

There are many who theorize that Babalon is Inanna. But when I reach out to Babalon I just do not feel the same presence as I feel when I communicate with Inanna. (Though I think it probable that Babylon the Whore in the Book of Revelation IS Inanna, because she is described as "The Bride of the Lamb.")
 
Babalon is raw and impersonal. She is what happens when Nuit (Space and everything in it) becomes flesh. She's incarnation incarnate. Somewhat like how I perceive the Black Heart of Innocence: passion without inhibition.
 

 
00goddess: White phalaenopsis with faint veining in bright pink. (Default)
( Jan. 6th, 2023 04:11 pm)
The curse of having an excellent long-term episodic memory is that I remember everything I've ever done wrong, and I endlessly agonize over those. I wish I could be like B and forget the past so easily.
00goddess: White phalaenopsis with faint veining in bright pink. (Default)
( Nov. 28th, 2022 07:48 pm)
So it turns out that glitter really does get all over everything and persists forever.
00goddess: White phalaenopsis with faint veining in bright pink. (Default)
( Nov. 24th, 2022 03:39 am)
I've never been a person into glitter. Like, I've never kept glitter around or used it in crafts, I don't buy glitter yarn. I've not even done a lot of glitter polish, but seeing dimensional glitter nail art has made me want all the glitter. I'm about to have a massive collection. I bought a bunch of inexpensive glitter off Aliexpress so that I can practice playing with it and learning the medium and technique. Some of these glitters are really pretty.

I don't like the texture that glitter gives to paper, which may be why i never liked it in crafts. Also, it falls off. But when you encase it in gel, it just looks so gorgeous and can look dimensional and the gel amplifies the light the same way that acrylic furniture does.

This last week has been spent building the website for Rich Bitch and then dealing with FB stuff, trying to get ads working, etc.So I haven't had any chance to do nail art. I think I will do that on Friday. With some of my new glitter! Though I need to invest in some organizing.

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"When we sit down and work, we become like a magnetized rod that attracts iron filings. Ideas come. Insights accrete."

From War of Art by Steven Pressfield

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Gel nails are my favorite craft right now. So this is a geekery post.

Read more... )
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00goddess: White phalaenopsis with faint veining in bright pink. (Default)
( Nov. 10th, 2022 12:28 am)
Today I got Dysport injections into my jaw. The goal is to prevent me from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth. I had 36 units of Dysport in each side of my face, 3 shots on either side.

It takes about 10 days to take effect. If I am still clenching then, I can go back in for more. The total cost was $234. Not as bad as I feared.

Dysport is a form of botulinium toxin, like Botox.

I had some nausea immediately afterward, which I read is normal. Pain developed over the evening, including in my ears, but Tylenol took the pain down, though not the ear pressure.

The jaw pain has gotten worse and worse since d-day. I'm at the point where my teeth hurt every day, even with using a night guard. I I already have some jaw deterioration from doing this my whole life, and early this year I broke a tooth from grinding. So I hope that this helps.
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Ugh. Went to get my hair cut today. Had some motion sickness in the Uber on the way there; I've found that wearing a mask in a moving car makes me much more likely to get carsick. But on the way home, it was much, much worse. I took off my mask hoping that would help, but I still threw up. I warned the driver that I was about to throw up and he pulled over, I threw up on the side of 610. Gross.

Incidentally, I had a latte at 11am; when I puked it was after 2pm, and I still had latte in my stomach. So I am still having gastroparesis. I think a liquid should have been completely gone already.

Made it home, the bedroom was nice and cold. Put some motion-eaze on and laid quietly in the bed with Serena Pie until time for therapy. Now that's done and I need a nap.
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I mentioned in a previous post that I had ordered SS attachments for my mixer. KA mixers come with either aluminum attachments (which they call "burnished metal" or with nylon-coated attachments. The aluminum ones can't go in the dishwasher, so I was always hand-washing them, and the nylon ones are notorious for the coating flaking off. I bake SO MUCH lately, I make at least one loaf of sandwich bread per week, plus usually a treat on the weekend, and it was really too much labor. So I decided to treat myself to stainless steel attachments.

KA makes a SS whisk (which they call a whip) for my mixer, but they don't make a ss beater for my model. (They actually make multiple whips, I upgraded to an 11-wire one which will supposedly whip faster than the 6-wire one I have now.) But there are lots of companies now selling attachments that fit a KA, so I bought the beater from one of those. While I was shopping for those, I learned that KA has a relatively new "pastry beater", designed to work like a pastry cutter. I decided to spring for one of those too, because I do use my mixer for pie crust and I make large batches (because it's just as easy to make 4 pie crusts as it is to make one, and they freeze well. I love having a stock of frozen pie crusts in the freezer.)  And last I ordered an accessory I have wanted since I got the mixer: a 3-quart bowl with combi-whip. My mixer is a 6-quart, the 3-quart bowl is really nice to have as an option, and the combi-whip is like a whip with a single beater bar attached. Great for making small batches of things, or making frosting after the cake, etc.

I've tried everything now except the whip and I am so glad that I finally got these. They are all labopr-savers. I used the bowl tonight to make a small batch of 6 cupcakes and then to make a tiny batch of frosting. The big bowl was still clean for me to make bread dough. These really upgrade my experience. The pastry beater is great, I can throw in large chunks of butter and it cuts them really quickly. I used to use the beater to make pastry but I had to start with small slices of butter and it would mostly crush them, the pastry beater is much faster and seems to really cut them into flatter pieces. I like it. They say it's also good for shredding meat.

I like things that make life easier. I'm always so tired, any little bit of labor saved helps.
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I've started doing my nails again and it makes me happy. I don't really enjoy the process of them, but I love the way they look when they are done. And I like being good at something.

I kept meaning to get back to it but I kept putting it off, because I needed to organize the nail cabinet. so I kind of forced myself: we were about to go on vacation so I paid a pro to give me a hard gel overlay on my very short nails. I knew that they would grow and I would have to fill them. When it was time to fill I told myself it didn't matter if they were perfect, no one else would notice. Got that done. About two weeks later it was time to rebalance, and that time I did a really good job. I really had to give it more attention because they're longer now. That was 2 weeks ago, they look great and can probably go for another week. I've been keeping it quick, no nail art, because I want to be efficient with my time and make things easy for myself, hah.

Today though I did some filing on the underside, filing away my natural nail, because I thought there might be a little lifting and wanted to nip that in the bud. I also think it keeps things cleaner. Natural nails get stained. It was fun and it's nice to be good at things.

Seeing my nails makes me happy. It's like coloring my hair, almost; seeing the bright colors gives me a boost of happy every time I see them. Also I stim by tapping and with gel nails I can do that without hurting myself.

CLeaning and organizing the nail cabinet was actually enjoyable and satisfying once I got started.
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For at least a year now, maybe more, I've been saying that I was going to take Thursdays off. But I didn't DO it, until yesterday. Yesterday, I rested most of the day like it was a Saturday. I did a few household chores late in the day, but otherwise, rest. I didn't even get dressed, I wore pyjamas all day.

It was a total game-changer. Today was the most energized, calm, and productive Friday I think I've had in months. I focused on house chores, things I had been wanting to get done, but kept putting off because they were tedious or non-essential and I was always tired. I felt so calm, all day. It was amazing. I calmly did things I had wanted to do. I have GOT to stick to taking Thursday off. It made such a difference in my day today.
Was browsing reddit and saw in a post someone said "I grew up in a home where I wasn't allowed to show my emotions and anger, so my big problem is my very delayed emotional processing and response" HOLY SHIT

I wasn't allowed to express any emotions at home or in the group home. I had to gray rock everyone always. It was self-preservation: any vulnerability would be used against you. But anger of any kind would be punished. We weren't allowed to be anything but submissive and happy.

I am very slow to get angry. It sometimes takes me some time after the thing happens, to be angry about the thing. I am not slow to anxiety but I think I am probably slow to emotional response in general.

I hadn't connected it to my upbringing. Interesting.
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Someone in STSP asked me to elaborate on an offhand comment that William RIker was propagandized. So here is the exhaustively nerdy thing I type-vomited in response. I've thought about this stuff for a long time, lol.

Ok I am sorry this got SO LONG but clearly I have Thoughts about this, haha.Read more... )

People who have spent their entire lives inside the Federation know only what they have learned from educational resources approved and controlled by the Federation. So everything Riker thinks he knows, he learned from these tightly controlled sources. He is not an unbiased or fully-informed source.

Having watched Trek since childhood, with a very long view and an indigenous POV, I see the Federation as an authoritarian empire which uses propaganda to control people and determine what is and is not socially acceptable. The views of Trek are pretty uniformly based on western privilege and imperialism, so the Federation is also based on those.

Federation leadership is heavy on humans, and the Federation appears to value human cultural ideals above those of other members.
Western vegans telling indigenous people all over the globe that we should just become vegan in order to solve the problems *created by imperialism* is an excellent example of these values. The assumption of those westerners (usually Americans) is that the choices of privileged westerners are inherently superior to traditional knowledge and lifeways.

In DS9 we learn that within the Federation, the desire to eat vegetables that grew from the ground, instead of being replicated, is socially unacceptable. People who want to grow their own food are considered deviants and at least one entire colony of them left the Federation in order to have the freedom to eat food grown in nature. We also learn about the existence of section 31 and its role in controlling the people of the Federation.

Riker says "we don't enslave animals for food purposes." Who is "we?" Clearly, he doesn't mean "the Federation," he means "humans." Because we see Klingons still value hunting and eating animals, yet they are members of the Federation.
But eventually we learn that the entire reason tribbles became a problem was human experimentation in an attempt to make them a more sustainable food source. Then there's the existence of Cetacean Ops, which is never thoroughly explored.

What Riker doesn't say is that the combined wars of the 21st century resulted in the extinction of 600,000 species of animals and plants, the death of at least 30% of the human population of earth, and was followed by decades of famine, genocide, the destruction of large portions of the planet (due to radiation) etc. This chaos persisted well into the 22nd century. Were there any animals left to eat? Was not eating animals a choice that humanity consciously made, or was it a necessity, borne of human destruction, that was later framed as a choice? The tribble situation makes it appear to be the latter.

One great example I saw in a Trek novel many years ago: a Federation crew member who was not from earth asked the Federation computer how English became the dominant language of earth. The computer checked its history files and told him that it was because English was just so infectious and appealing that people all over the planet chose to adopt it. But in reality, in the real history in which you and I live, colonial forces used violence to enforce the use of English. I mean, kids were beaten to death for speaking their native languages. Clearly, the version of earth history that the Federation is teaching is not an accurate one, but a propagandized one.

From a certain POV, Starfleet is the jackbooted foot of the imperialist empire that is the Federation.

I love Trek and it's fun sometimes to submerge myself in the fantasy, but it's also fun and, I think, important, to see it through a different lens.
Thank you for coming to my indigenous Ted Talk.



One of the hardest things about recovering from my H’s affair is that it feels like he desecrated all the special things, large and small, between us. It feels sometimes like our relationship meant nothing to him, that there’s nothing left to save.
 
Reconciliation is hard. Our anniversary is coming up soon and I feel so gross about it because last year he spent it having a festival of sex and lies with the AP. (And he’s lied about it a million times.) It feels spoiled, ruined, horrible. And it’s made the anniversary of my sister’s death (today) even harder.
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00goddess: White phalaenopsis with faint veining in bright pink. (Default)
( Feb. 14th, 2022 08:00 pm)
January was a very hard month and Feb isn't much better. I hope to have the energy to update. I hate that I am not updating tbh. I am just so tired all the time.
Our dishwasher pops open a few minutes before the end of the dry cycle, to release steam and finish drying. Last night we were sitting on the sofa and I smelled something like detergent. I said to B "I smell something." His response was "It's not me," and I said "No, it smells like detergent." He said "The dishwasher just popped open."

I've never smelled the dishwasher opening before. Maybe my sense of smell is returning? I had a very sensitive sense of smell before my sinus surgery.
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"You should view the world as a conspiracy run by a very closely-knit group of nearly omnipotent people, and you should think of those people as yourself and your friends." - Robert Anton Wilson
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I'm writing a paper on the intersection of the arts and ritual magick. It's a critical inquiry so I have to come up with a question. What are your thoughts on what this question should be?


I suppose "How does the intersection of art and ritual magick inform each discipline?" is really all I can come up with right this second.

I welcome your input.

Tried to do bibliomancy today. 


Pg 167 of The Red Goddess: “the Gnostics, in the Nag Hammadi text The Origin of the World, say that the rose grew from the first flow of menstrual blood when Psyche the virgin soul fell for Eros.”


Actually the paragraph went on after this but I can divine no meaning from it.

.